(Appeared April 2002 in "The Frequency," the magazine of CSCR Cable FM 90.3, published at University of Toronto's Scarborough Campus.)

To the readers who've been following along with my saga so far, you'll know that I'm in my fourth year, working on a play called "Searching For Adonis."  The play was inspired by a very cool, open minded straight guy, who caught my attention in a first year class we were in.  I nicknamed him "Adonis" until I knew his real name, and to make a long story short, the effort it took to finally meet him gave me enough drama to write a whole play.  (The "Adonis" himself recently read the script, wasn't offended, and liked it according to my friends that have talked to him.)

However, after all that, I still don't have the courage to talk to the "Adonis" directly, and it feels like there's too much to wrap up, and too little time to do it in.  It bugs me because school's ending soon, the "Adonis" is graduating, and I'm coming back for a 5th year.  Every time I see him at school, he looks serious, busy, or has friends around, and I don't want to embarrass him in front of them.  And in a really naive and innocent way, I was seriously hoping to hear what he thinks of stereotypes and how he's been affected by them.  It also fascinates me, because my friends keep telling me I can never become "normal" friends with the "Adonis" because it would be too awkward.  But in the past, I've had similar situations with guys where the "awkward" period passes and I do become good friends with them.  Only, this time the awkward stage stretched much further than I expected, and so I kind of feel guilty for letting it snowball like that.  At this point it's hard to say if I can melt the snowball back to a more manageable size.

I'm also intimidated, since, the "Adonis" is soon going to be working a stable job with lucrative income, while every dream I have seems to cry out "struggling artist waiting to happen."  Being in love with drama and music won't lead me to something "stable" and it's tough to figure out how I can combine what I love with a regular career.  So it's still intriguing to me that he's about to make that leap into the "real" world, and I'm still waiting to "prove" myself as something.  (Whether it be playwright, singer, entertainer in general!)  So that only adds to my intimidation when I see him, wave, and run away as my face turns red.

This all leads back to one of my biggest flaws - I always try to impress guys that I become inspired or fascinated by.  I hoped that I could show off whatever talent I have and grab his attention, or somehow be "worthy" of his time.  And it's not the first time I've gone way overboard trying to impress someone.  No matter how much support or praise I get from the people around me about the projects I work on, I still want to "win over" the person that inspired it.  (And I misguidedly thought giving the "Adonis" a copy of my play would give me an excuse to finally have a real conversation with him!)

Speaking of the play itself, there are already some mini-controversies before it's even off the ground.  A friend of mine in Drama is a good piano player, so I gave them a CD of music that I've worked on for the play.  (I want this friend to play the live music for "Searching For Adonis," if it does go on stage.)  They liked the CD, and were playing it in the car with a couple of guys.  One of these guys, whom I'll call Mr. Macho, gave me a bad vibe for awhile, but on this occasion, he took it to the next level.  In the car, when my friend told Mr. Macho that it was me singing on the CD, he asked "Do you need this?"  My friend said, "Yes."  Then Mr. Macho took the CD out, snapped it in half and threw it out the window.  Later on, he found out that my friend told me about the incident, to which he replied "Good."

The funny thing is that I need people like Mr. Macho to remind me of why it's important to keep doing what I'm doing.  For every person like him, there's a person who learns something positive about accepting people for who they are.  It's a weird balance, but it usually works out in the end.  And people like Mr. Macho show just how important it is for me to thank people like the "Adonis" for being so much more tolerant and open minded!

I also found out, recently, that one of my good friends was once a true gay-basher during his teenage years.  He admitted that he chased down guys that "looked gay" and beat them up.  He was afraid to tell me, worrying that I'd "think less of him."  I was a little surprised, shocked, but at the same time, everyone has flaws.  That doesn't mean I'm condoning any of his past behaviour.  But he has made a lot of progress in accepting people of all kinds of backgrounds and orientations.  He's a great example of a person who changed for the better, and I hope to see more examples like this.

Another year has managed to fly by, and yet, I'm lucky enough to be able to look back in awe of the good things that have happened.  I finally met the "Adonis," and I also made friendships with people that I never expected to.  (This includes another cool guy that I was almost as afraid of meeting as the "Adonis.")  I now have a play, music, inspiration, and opportunity that I give the "Adonis" full credit for sparking.  Where that will take me has yet to be seen.  Hopefully, sometime in the middle of next year, "Searching For Adonis" will arrive in the Leigha Lee Browne theatre on campus!  And I can't get over the fact that I've had so many opportunities open up to me after starting to work on my play.  I had to pretty much "come out" to anyone that I talk to about the play, which included a few of my professors.  Me being open about my life is my way of trying to make it a little bit more ok for other people to do the same thing.  That's why I'm really hoping to put the play on next year, and present a fun, yet serious message about diversity and difference.

***And to everyone***

Thank you for one of the best years I've had at UTSC!  Thank you to everyone at CSCR, everyone at The Frequency, and everyone I know on campus!  (Even you, Mr. Macho...you CD snapper, you.)  Most importantly, thank you to everyone reading this, and everyone who has given me feedback on the previous articles.  Take care and have a great Summer!