(Appeared Feb. 2002 in "The Frequency," the magazine of CSCR Cable FM 90.3, published at University of Toronto's Scarborough Campus.)

After finishing Part 1 in early December, holidays began, exams took place, and my play "Searching For Adonis" was successfully delivered to the real-life "Adonis" that inspired it.  Then it hit me - he was actually going to read *my* play that *he* inspired, with my thinly disguised representations of our real-life personas.  I started to freak out.  What if he's not nearly as open minded as I thought?  What if he'll hate me when school resumes in January?  What if his "crew" are waiting to jump me?

January arrived and it was time to face the music.  In the first week back, I was going to register for an independent study course to work on my "Searching For Adonis" play.  Ironically, the day I went to get my professor's signature of approval, I was walking with a friend and saw the real-life "Adonis" on his cell phone outside of the library.  Like a scene from my play, I turned to my friend, "There he is!"  My friend, with perfect timing, said, "I need a smoke."  My face turned bright red as I was forced to pass the "Adonis" on our way outside.  I quickly bought a Sun newspaper and hid behind it, as my friend puffed away, with the "Adonis" close by.  "He just smiled at you," my friend observed as I re-read the Entertainment section repeatedly.  "No he didn't," I quickly replied.  "It was probably something he heard on the phone."  I was sure he wouldn't be smiling at me - the insane drama student that just happened to write a play about him.  "I've never seen you like this....you're like a scared rabbit," my friend said about my sudden lack of confidence.

I was still tense during the following week.  Then, the friend who delivered my play, told me that the real-life "Adonis" thought it was funny and liked it.  Then a few days later, I was brave enough to try waving to the "Greek God" himself.  The "Adonis" actually looked at me and said, "How's it going, Garth?"  It was incredible!  He didn't want to kill me, and he knew my name!

Then came January 25th - a weird and meaningful Friday.  At 6pm, I was going with the Drama Society on a trip to see three plays at Hart House.  But my last class ended at 3pm, leaving three hours to fill.  So I headed down to the B-Wing Coffee Time when the "Adonis" zoomed by, decked out in Kappa pants, with a gym bag.  He ran by too fast for me to wave, so I continued on to the Meeting Place.  There, I ran into the friend that recently compared me to Hitler when I said my progress with the "Adonis" came from *not* listening to my friends' warnings.  (See Part 1.)  This time he warned me that I may get sued if I don't change the names of the characters in my play.  We also talked about whether or not it would be wise for the LGBTQ to get involved with the UTSC "Mosaic" show, which was going on that night, since many cultures and lifestyles were being represented.  I mentioned, "I wish I could be a part of this."  But, since I don't hide my sexuality, my friend replied, "Nah, it wouldn't fly in Scarborough."

My tension started to build, so I excused myself to get some vodka...I mean, uh...coffee.  I worked my way back to Coffee Time, just to find it closed, but I ran into some friends that I work with.  These friends only found out I was gay in September, and on this Friday full of meaning, admitted they were uncomfortable with me in those early days.  It wasn't really offensive, just kind of weird to hear it at this point in time where I feel the burden of "representing" the gay men on campus.  One of these friends said they realized, "you have enough trouble as it is with society, so it does no good to be prejudiced against you."  That's an incredible statement because it makes me feel proud that I helped someone understand gay people a bit better.

But then I realized that if I thought about how many risks I actually take with the way that I live, I probably wouldn't be able to function.  I always get smacked in the face with tales of how homophobic Scarborough campus is, and how you "can't do this, can't do that, shouldn't say this..."  I think half of the problem is fear itself.  People won't speak out, since silence is safer.  In my limited experience with speaking out, it has been thrilling, liberating, and sort of scary.  But generally, I feel the freedom to express who I really am.  Along the way, I've hopefully helped people see that being gay is not nearly as weird or different as the stereotypes would suggest.  It amazes me to think that a lot of this would not have happened without the real-life "Adonis" sparking my curiousity about bridging the straight and gay worlds.

Then came the bus trip to see the Hart House shows.  On the trip down, in a big yellow school bus, our group talked a bit about my play, and the real-life "Adonis" came up.  "My friends know him, and they said he's a total loser," one of my friends revealed.  "Why?"  I asked, digging for an explanation.  "They don't like his Gino attitude," the friend replied.  That kind of stereotyping was a big part of why I became so interested in meeting the "Adonis," and it led me to write my play.  I'd hate it if someone didn't like me because of my "Gay attitude," just the way that the "Adonis" probably doesn't like being labeled as having "Gino attitude."  (Although, it *was* kind of funny that this label came up on the day that I saw him run by in Kappa pants.)

But I don't quite buy the "Gino attitude" label, because I've seen the "Adonis" talk to a wide range of people on campus. Last October, the "Adonis" was heading down the hall with two friends.  As I passed the trio, I overheard one of the friends say something like, "I don't want people to hate me because I'm from Afghanistan."  In retrospect, this became even more poignant, and sad, because the bombing of Afghanistan started only days later.  It showed me that even the "Adonis" has friends that can be misunderstood for being who they are.  Innocent people, living in fear of the way that others can catagorize them, and ultimately misjudge them.

Then came the plays at Hart House.  The first one, "Internal" by Scarborough Campus' very own Corrie Mund, was funny and well produced.  It was about the humour and awkwardness of trying to meet someone you don't know.  (Hmm...I wouldn't know anything about that, would I?)  The next play, "Indiscretions," was about a struggling writer who wants to throw caution to the wind and take risks.  The third play, "Arsonist," was loosely based around Matthew Shepard - a young man violently killed just because he was gay.  Putting all three plays together created a terrifying mental image of the path I'm on.  It was like, "Step One - the akwardness of someone trying to get to know a stranger, Step Two - the writer that takes risks to achieve new heights, and Step Three - watch a man get killed for daring to be who he really is."

I'm lucky, I'm blessed, and I hope that being myself will not lead me into serious danger.   In the song "Precious Illusions" (on the album "Under Rug Swept," coming Feb. 26th) Alanis Morissette sings, "I want to decide between survival and bliss."  That line stands out to me, as you can't find happiness without risk, but taking that risk often jeopardizes your safety.

No matter what happens now, I think that the real-life "Adonis" and I, in our own separate ways, broke down a few stereotypes, and that's what makes me appreciate the creative journey I'm on right now.  I also appreciate the Adonis' open-mindedness, and I think it proves that straight guys with "Gino attitude" can get along with men like me that have "Gay attitude."

So, in conclusion, I say to everyone, don't let fear stunt your growth.  Even if you're not in a position to completely "be yourself," take comfortable steps towards achieving that goal.  To me, that can help anyone find their bliss.