(Appeared Oct. 2002 in "The Frequency," the magazine of CSCR Cable FM 90.3, published at University of Toronto's Scarborough Campus.)

Work and school. School and work.  Add to this several unresolved ambitions, and you have entered the strange world of Garth Jensen!  If you don't know me, or have not read my previous columns, I'm the openly gay, diva-actor-singer-songwriter-scandalmaker on campus!  Don't be offended, don't snap my CDs, and most importantly - don't run me over in your Mustang!  (But do check out my music at http://www.mp3.com/garthjensen)

After being back at school for almost a month, I've been trying to settle in to a routine, but I can't.  Things are still too hectic, everybody is exhausted, Summer stayed longer than expected, and the combination of work and school is a killer.  Plus, the play I've been working on for more than a year, "Searching For Adonis," has been hitting every snag possible on the journey towards being staged.  A public reading of the play may take place sometime in October in the Leigha Lee Browne theatre (watch for posters.)  But as soon as I want to devote some time to knocking the play into shape, I'm suddenly stuck behind a cash register at the billion dollar "major discount retailer" that I work for.  (As I said in my last article, it's NOT Zellers - but if you think blue vests, and yellow smiley faces, you're getting warmer!)

The more I work at the "major discount retailer," the more I realize how degrading the job can be.  In fact, I used to joke with people that whoring myself would make me money in less time and leave more of my self-esteem intact.  But before this article becomes too dark and cynical, whoring is not the answer, my friends.  I mean, I've made it through even more harrowing situations, such as my long gone days of smuggling Barbies and She-Ra figures into grade school, in an environment where "different" equals "bad."  If I could survive that, I *should* be able to survive now.  But the stress is adding up, and I've found myself wanting to yell at people with insults I'd never dream of using.  Insults that could even be used against me!

There's a...um....larger sized man that came to my "major discount retailer" to help us convert our location from two levels, down to one.  He's known as a "store planner" and is a big cheese in the company, with lots of power trips oosing out at every chance he gets.  One day, I was innocently standing behind the counter of my department, waiting for customers, when I saw the "larger sized" gentleman walk by.  I made the mistake of being friendly, and waved to Mr. Store Planner.  He waved back, and eyed me suspiciously.  "Garth,"  he hissed.  "You're tall, aren't you?  Can you dust those shelves over there?  Thanks!"  He has also berated associates on several occasions with what he believes they should or shouldn't be doing.

Mr. Store Planner gives off a really bitchy vibe, and what surprised me is that, not only does he degrade people, but he drove me to want to use insults that I, myself, find offensive.  As he slithered away from me, I thought, "You big fat homo!"  I then stood back, shocked at what I had just thought to myself.  Have I been hanging around my straight friends too much?  Has popular culture ruined my progress as a proud gay man?  I mean, I myself *am* a big fat homo, but he drove me to the point where I wanted to use the easiest insult I could think of.  But what separates me from Mr. Store Planner is that I try as hard as I can to treat people respectfully, and without talking down to them.  Mr. Store Planner looooves to let you know who's boss.  But I was still disappointed with myself for even thinking of using slurs that can be used against me at any given time.

But with every insult, there is a silver lining, or at least a chance to see some positive progress in the world.  I recently joined up on an internet forum for people who like clubbing, called Hype Multimedia.  I was afraid to participate at first, since being "the gay dude" in a sea of straight people is kinda scary.  But then, one girl on the forum was brave enough to ask: "Why are you guys offended when another guy checks you out?"  I was surprised at the question, and even more surprised at the positive responses.  A lot of the replies were well thought out, even from people I didn't expect it from.  It illustrated that there are a lot of confident straight men who do not feel threatened by the presence of gay dudes around them.  This was all it took to get me to dive in the Hype waters!  The forum seems filled with good people, and I even met some of them when I walked for the AIDSWALK charity that happened near the end of September at Nathan Phillips Square.  Long story short, I've met some cool new people, and they're helping me break down more of the stereotypes about what kind of attitudes I would normally expect from clubgoers.

So the moral of my story?  I'm still exploring my own boundaries within the gay and straight worlds.  Gay people will sometimes use homophobic slurs, and straight men will sometimes be more secure with their sexuality than they are given credit for.  What this means to me, especially in my creative writing, is that people are still being mislabeled, and there's a long way to go to look past these classifications.